NOTE: self-reflective musical numbers ≠ voiceover narration

Basically a snake eating its own tail, 2024’s Mean Girls is the film version of a stage musical that was heavily based on a zeitgeisty 2004 teen comedy (which itself was based on a book). And so, this new installment sorta plays as a shot-for-shot remake crossed with a blooper real of the original classic Lindsay Lohan movie — which itself was like catching lightning in a bottle, with a unique comedic voice, astute direction, and a top-to-bottom knockout cast.

This musical recreation is not, unfortunately, lightning of any kind. Although it uses the same exact scaffolding as Mark Waters’ seminal picture and is written, once again, by Tina Fey (these are her only two screenwriting credits ever), Mean Girls 2024 can’t quite seem to capture the same magic.

While it gives the film an excuse to try new things, the musical concept also precludes certain sprinkles of depth and nuance in order to streamline the narrative and make room for these (often-long) musical numbers. First to go are the world-building of the high school setting and the adult characters who now lack any backstories whatsoever. And it would be one thing merely to deprive these ancillary facets of their richness, had our core roles not been negatively affected as well.

Adequately cast at the very least, Regina George (Reneé Rapp) is written to be more rude than conniving, unlike the 2004 Regina, played effortlessly by Rachel McAdams, who felt as hollow as a Barbie doll yet ultimately disingenuous — as insidious as a black widow and ten times more unpredictable. However, while Rapp is no McAdams, her interpretation isn’t wrong by any means. Regina simply turns into a sympathetic monster in a horror movie rather than a spoiled brat who we can’t wait to see get hit by a bus.

As for Cady (Angourie Rice), her naivety isn’t as believable as Lohan’s take, nor is her compassion present enough to serve as a motive — her inner conflict is almost non-existent, and thus, her downfall not as tragic. Having a semi-aggressive voiceover narration in the original allowed us to know Lohan’s Cady’s true self, and at least empathize with her character. Even when she messed up, we knew her earnestness and her heart. A major issue with the 2024 film is we never feel like we actually know our protagonist outside of what we’re told.

Nevertheless inferior, the rest of the cast could have sufficed if these two core roles were better written and/or cast.

Instead of slyly developing and evolving its characters and their dynamics with one another, the film’s major beats are now required to be more noticeable, like when Cady goes full tilt after Regina kisses Aaron, or the moment when Cady becomes popular. These events supplemented motive and plot in the 2004 original but here, directors Samantha Jayne and Arturo Perez Jr. hone in on these moments and emphasize them as chapter breaks to remind us of the story’s ostensible aliveness.

If there were any movie that proved how “woke culture” is negatively affecting comedy, it’s this new Mean Girls. Jokes are changed to be less funny and the rest of them are incredibly diligent in their ability to not offend. The original pulled no punches and was inoffensive simply because it made fun of everybody. It was able to adequately represent the teenage experience simply because it felt honest and authentic despite its satirical, absurdist trappings.

To be clear: Mean Girls 2024 isn’t a bad movie; it’s just a bad remake. Some of the newer jokes are worthy of some chuckling, but nothing about the hot new Mean Girls movie musical is better than the original. There are songs, but we’d rather they simply not exist.

Twizard Rating: 71